A scary new strain of pink-eye has increased the deadliness of the dreaded illness by over 1000%. As we all know, pink-eye is caused by sleeping on a pillow that has been farted on. Scientists have determined that farter zero is none other than Oprah Winfrey. The killer new strain was traced back to the talk show host and mogul, who for reasons unknown, farted on every pillow in her Hampton’s summer home.

Legal authorities are still debating whether to charge her with negligent homicide, and the out-break is now considered a clear and present danger to the security of the United States.